I thought that being pregnant the second time around would be as simple as changing a wet diaper. Give a wipe, slather on some ointment, close it up, and send the little one on her way. I had done it a million times, why would this time be any different? Why would being pregnant again be any different?
As any mother of more than one child would know, I was surely mistaken in my assumption. I came to the realization that just as each child has a different soul, face, and personality, so too, do they bestow upon their mother a pregnancy that is all their own.
I trudged through those first three monthsDuring this latest pregnancy, my first trimester was a nightmare. I spent three full months sick and tired and trying to find the strength to take care of my two-year-old daughter. It was as if I had ten seconds to enjoy the fact that I was expecting and then the physical discomfort hit me without warning. I had experienced morning sickness before, but this was unlike anything I had ever felt and I was helpless to control it. I trudged through those first three months and transformed from someone who felt truly blessed into a hormonal wreck who questioned whether or not she was ready for another child.
And if the first trimester was all physical, the second trimester was all mental. Of course, by month four I was feeling much better and more energetic. However, this only gave me more opportunity to think about what was going to happen upon the new baby's arrival. I was about to take on the ultimate challenge. Up until now, I lived and breathed Isabel, my daughter. In fact, I have an entire box full of watches that I do not wear anymore because I run on "Isabel time" and it no longer matters what the rest of the world is doing. Where a job and personal interests once took center stage, she now stands. She is my world and I live to wake up to her warm smile and settle in at night listening to her relaxed breaths. So, how was I going to fit another child into the mix and allow someone else to come along who would change everything between Izzy and me? Was I even able to do so?
I thought the hardest thing about motherhood would be labor and ensuring that your child ate enough fruits and vegetables. However, now, with a second one on the way, I know that the real test will be learning to share all of the love I have to give. This is one of the scariest truths that I've had to recognize throughout this roller coaster ride we call parenthood.
Enter the third trimester. Here I am, writing and wondering how I made it this far without driving myself (and my husband) crazy. Even with three weeks to go, I am still apprehensive about the birth, only this time around it's more mental than physical. I'm ready for the labor pains and living on ice chips for two days. I can deal with breastfeeding and unexpected family visits. But can I love this little one with as much passion as I have for Izzy? Can I thrive on her every movement and coo as I did with my firstborn?
I feel I have the potential to deeply love all of my childrenI look around me and see families of all shapes and sizes. Many have multiple children and they all seem to lead relatively normal lives. I also consider the fact that my mom managed to do it with my sister and me. Why am I so nervous? When I first became a mother, I remember taking a moment to call my own mother to tell her how much I appreciated her. The truth is, you never know what it's like to be a mother until you become one. In the same way, I feel I have the potential to deeply love all of my children, but I'm never going to know what it feels like to have more than one child until it happens. G‑d willing, for me, that will be soon.
Over the last several months, thanks to much learning and studying, I think that I've forged a genuine belief that G‑d fortifies us with the abilities needed to care for our children. After all, educating and raising children is one mitzvah afforded to the Jewish woman. That, above all, has been a comfort during these last weeks, enabling me to somewhat enjoy this last trimester of pregnancy. It's taken me almost nine months to finally acknowledge that I'm not the one driving the minivan here. G‑d has a plan, and I just need to put my faith in His judgment. With G‑d's help, whether I have one, two, or twenty children, I take comfort in knowing that Divine Power is sitting in my corner and rooting me on. I only hope to, one day, share these thoughts and beliefs with my own children, so that they, too, can grow to be good people and good parents.
On August 6th, 2008, the author gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Maya Angelina, and has found that she has more than enough love for two...
