A man calls his elderly mother. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good," says the mother, "I've been very weak." "Why are you
so weak, Mom?" "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." "That's
terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should
call."
I am often approached by parents and grandparents who are upset by the fact
that their children or grandchildren are not treating them in the way they feel
is appropriate. Common complaints include, "After everything I have done for
them, they don’t visit me", or "Since they got married they don’t
call or spend time with me", or "They don’t invite me to their
parties” and so on. They do not understand how it is possible for their
children or grandchildren to be so self-centred and engrossed in their own
lives.
One grandfather told me, "I wrote my grandson a letter telling him that
the way he is behaving towards me is unacceptable. My son got upset saying, 'How
dare you speak to him like this?' Instead of solving the problem with my
grandson, I have created a new one with my son."
I once heard it put this way: Adam and Eve's children learned from them, by
example, how a parent cares for a child. But they couldn't be an example to
their children of how to look after one's parents -- they didn't have any! They
just spoke about it. But, as we know, what we say is not as effective as
what we do. It is not as natural for children to look after their parents
as it is for parents to care for their children. Perhaps that is why the
commandment "Honor your father and your mother" needed to be written in
the Ten Commandments, and to be rewarded with long life.
Another thing to keep in mind: It is a natural reaction for us to feel
defensive the minute someone criticizes us. We may also try to avoid the people
who make us feel uncomfortable. We will subconsciously shy away from places
where we are made to feel guilty. It’s like my "to do” list: things that
bring me pain end up on the bottom of the list and get transferred in my diary
from day to day and week to week.
If we want to help our children and grandchildren fulfill the mitzvah of
honoring their parents, we should always try to give them the benefit of the
doubt and judge them favorably. Hopefully, this will keep the lines of
communication open and will allow us to create a better relationship with our
loved ones. If we make the time they spend with us a pleasant experience, we
will very soon see them relating to us not just out of a sense of duty, but as
something they truly desire and look forward to do.
Try it -- it works!
